


Lux Aeterna

by Lisafer



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Paragon Commander Shepard, Ruthless (Mass Effect), Stream of Consciousness, Synthesis Ending, other mentioned characters - Freeform, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisafer/pseuds/Lisafer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dying is easier the second time around.</p><p>Shepard chooses to sacrifice herself and bridge the gap between organics and synthetics. A million thoughts rush through her mind as she faces her own death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lux Aeterna

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [codenamecynic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/codenamecynic/pseuds/codenamecynic) for the beta and flaily encouragement - and for showing me better ways to get my points across!

Dying is easier the second time around.

 

When the child – the catalyst – whatever he is – tells me my options, the choice is surprisingly clear. I hadn't brokered peace between the geth and the quarians just to have my hand forced into destroying it now. That experience had proven to me – to so many – that synthetics were people, too. EDI had helped me more than anyone else on this mission. Eliminating them to save humanity... that's a Cerberbus move.

 

But it's still _my_ life. The second life Miranda and Cerberus gave me – the one I chose to use to make up for the wrongs and poor decisions of my past. The one where I fell in love.

 

I don't want to die.

 

The thought of Garrus, left behind on Earth with only the sight of me running toward an ominous beam of light, makes my legs heavier. My flesh is still torn from Harbinger's attack, and I hold my hand tight against my side to slow the bleeding. And it doesn't hurt half as much as the ache in my heart, remembering his shock and anger at being instructed to stay behind.

 

_We're in this 'til the end._

And now I want to run into another beam of light.

 

But there’s no coming back from this one.

 

I still take the first step forward. _I want something to go right,_ he'd said to me our first night together.  He'd touched his forehead to mine, a gesture that felt more intimate than anything that followed. I understood him then, and I know he would understand me now. He will know that I made the right choice for the galaxy, even though it's not the best one for us.

 

I'm shaking as I walk; a million thoughts rush through my mind at once.  This was different from the first time I died. I had been in shock, fighting to remain calm in the face of terror, most of my effort spent in trying to stop the gasping, the choking.  My chest burned as I ran out of air. There wasn't time to think, save for the reassuring pulse in my chest, the voice in my mind that spoke: _the crew made it out alive._

 

Now.... My body agrees that there's no need to mind my wounds if my life will last only a few moments more, but even as my feet pick up speed, time slows in the face of my racing thoughts. The spaces between the seconds stretch into hours to contemplate what I'm doing.  How I ended up here. What I'm giving up. Whether this one deed will compensate for all the things I did before.

 

The batarians certainly won't hail me a hero at the end of things. But maybe it will repay the debt I still owe.

 

I think of Ashley at Virmire, and wonder about her last glimpse of life.  Or Kasumi on the Collector ship, riddled with bullets as she was closing the doors to protect the rest of us. Mordin, giving his life in trade for the end of the genophage. They'd sacrificed themselves for others, for the greater good, just as Anderson had done just moments ago. 

 

Was it minutes? It feels like hours.

 

I hold the memory of Earth in my mind, the way it had been before the Reapers.  I'd spent six months in a spacious apartment with large windows, and I recall wondering if Garrus had ever been to Earth.  Well, he had now. He'd spent my last hours fighting at my side, watching my six as we stormed our way through London. Not the welcome I would've given him.

 

I stumble a bit, overwhelmed with love, with memory. When I met him on the Citadel three years ago, this isn't where I thought I would end up. But here I am.  Back at the Citadel.  Choosing the world over him. I squeeze my eyes shut and press on, his voice ringing in my ears. _Come back alive. It'd be an awfully empty galaxy without you._

 

Just hours ago he'd joked about retiring together, when it was all over. We'd find someplace warm. Consider raising a family. I can picture it in my mind.  Us, as parents. Our adopted children – turian? Human? – would be raised with respect for alien cultures and a love of sniper rifles. Maybe they'd have a life free of galactic strife. No rogue Spectres creating chaos. No Cerberus, no Reapers. Just love and hope. And peace.

 

I sob, and choke it back. It's the first time I've slipped since this damned war began, and I turn it into speed.  I should feel faint, my strength slipping with amount of blood I've lost. But I'm able to jog.  To run.  I'm the Normandy, moving with finesse under Joker's loving guidance.

 

I'll never see Joker again, listen to him flirt with EDI.

 

As I near the beam of light, I think of the others: Liara, who's been through so much heartache already. Tali, who agreed to help me even when her life's goal had been achieved. Vega and Cortez and the banter they kept up just to keep their minds in the right place. Kaidan. He'd been my biggest support on the original Normandy.

 

I think of Admiral Anderson, and I'm positive in the knowledge that he would be doing exactly this, had things gone differently with the Illusive Man.

 

The beam is there, and I leap into it. Excruciating pain, and complete bliss.

 

_Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve._

_Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me._

The drell prayer echoes in my mind, and I can almost feel Thane's approving gaze.

 

 _No matter what happens here... you know I love you. I always will_. I hear the words again in my head - my final words to Garrus - and hope that he will always remember them. I'll be waiting for him in that bar in heaven, when all is done.

 

There is no pain, in this final moment. There is light, and there is love.

 

And then there is nothing.

 

 


End file.
